grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
