so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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