He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
two words: eviction party
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
