Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
