I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
