My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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