Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Randomize
