Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My penis needs a shock collar
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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