Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
