Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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