I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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