Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
