I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
