apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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