Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
