What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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