so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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