I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
