did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
