I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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