I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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