allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
