And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
