i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
