I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
