I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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