this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
