Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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