just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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