Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Houston, we have a squirter
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
