If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i think i scared a bird with my dick
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
