i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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