U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
