right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
