You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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