if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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