Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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