i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
