Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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