cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
