My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
