Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
