textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
