This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
