Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
