Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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