Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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