I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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