i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
