Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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