How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
