the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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