omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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