My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
did i just pee glitter
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
