Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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