I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
