We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
