my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
